vent.

i'm just... i'm just... just.... AGH. le français m'échappe! madame keeps bugging me about practicing. i'm over it right now. i'm trying. i really am. i know you don't believe me, but i am. also, even if i was speaking french all day every day, it wouldn't necessarily mean i'd be fluent by now. if it takes 10,000 hours of practice to do something amazingly, it would take 800 days at 12 hours a day. i want to shrug it off, but i just can't. how to go easier on myself? i feel like i AM taking it too easy. i can't estrange the few american friends i've made. and i can't just insert myself as "bestie" in my french acquaintances' lives. i saw some girls in my linguistics class that i'd like to talk to someday. i would have today if it hadn't been an exam. which kicked my butt. i had a dictionary and the concepts weren't hard, but there are those little things i didn't think to look up (yes, we corrected it directly after). i didn't even THINK about the rule that the "s" is only voiced between vowels (and whenever they feel like it). enthusiasm, enthousiasme. it's [-zm] or even [-zəm] in english -- not [sm]. i almost can't even produce it. i'm just hoping he'll be merciful on my grading... i'm hoping for 12/20 (which is, well, passing). i know i got at least 8 points. so we'll see how it all goes.

also, i just want to say that i'm, well, hormonal as f*ck, so this may just be stress multiplied by that. (please excuse my strong language, it releases endorphins).

*sigh*

tomorrow, i have my thursday classes for the first time in like a month or so. i'm terrified yet relieved at the same time. if it had been 2 classes missed, whatever. but we've missed three + a vacation one. i don't know what's due or even what i'm supposed to know. so this will be interesting. i'll be glad to be going to school twice a week again. also, i think i need to go to the library and just sit and read books on my off days. that's a good habit to make. i noted in one of my classes that the website (which i still can't access) has two bibliographies on it... i need to be reading whatever is on that list. but i need to see the list first.

god help me. i'm all sorts of frustrated.

rant & rave

narnia?

rave: it's fall and i love it. the smells, the adventures, and that overwhelming sense of transition. i've taken the time to get all up in the spirit of autumn -- on saturday (last weekend now...) i hung out in the park, and on sunday night i went wandering around the presqu'ile and fourviere with valerie and juan. we went up to the hill to look at the lights at night. and we found this super old book that i adore! 1909! it smells super nice.

i've started feeling the holidays in the air... the christmas season is sure to be pleasant. the christmas markets start in almost 2 weeks! (also, i'm going to GEVEVA this weekend!!)

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now for a rant: i don't like how when i tell people i've got my man back home they respond "oh that's hard," "oh la la.. c'est dur, c'est chaud ça". yes, it's hard for me. but i chose it, people. it's also what i think is best for me right now.

because, even though we don't get to talk for days at a time sometimes, i know he loves me.

because i can see what it will be like when we're together again.

because, now more than ever, and as much as i can picture myself without him, i don't want to. i want him in my life, by my side.

yes, it's sappy and ridiculous and silly. but it's the truth, and i'm serious. this time is good for us. we're both growing individually -- and i'm delighting in every little development he makes. it's so beautiful what we have. call me crazy (not to my face please) but we are perfectly simple, simply perfect right now, and i wouldn't change it, not for the world. i'm living my dream and he's chasing his.

falling in love is not falling. it's a choice you make, but you keep it a secret from yourself. maybe because saying "i've decided i'm going to love you" sounds pretty damn selfish and... deliberate. what's wrong with that? walking is a series of falls, so when you take a step it might feel like you're falling -- that's why you have to take another step. if you don't risk the fall, you go nowhere. so in that light, please consider the fact that loving cuong is my choice. being his girl is also my choice. i chose to face the separation, even though it hurts like hell sometimes. but it won't kill me; it won't break me. i would rather feel the pain of longing than nothing at all. so yes, it's hard, but in a good way. it hurts good.

next update should pertain to geneva. or the ridiculous rain/cold we're suddenly getting.

rest in peace, grandma

my grandma passed away a week ago. i woke up saturday morning to the message from grampa saying she had gone peacefully, and he was right there with her.

i want to share a few thoughts in her memory:

grandma wasn’t the grandma that would spoil us to no end, nor did she knit us sweaters and socks for Christmas. she didn’t fit any stereotype for a grandma, but she was definitely the perfect grandma for me. as for my fondest memories, i’d have to say Christmas was one of them – my favorites were the partitioned three-flavor popcorn cans that we had to ration out slowly so it wouldn’t be gone in 5 minutes between the four of us kids; and the fruitcake because no one else ever made it for us; driving through the decked-out neighborhood all excited after a 4 hour drive; and watching cool tv like the travel channel (because we didn't have tv). i remember the toys in the spare room ; they were probably dad’s when he was little, and yet i was able to draw so much entertainment from them. i especially loved the pop-up camper toy. and one time we sat down and looked at old pictures of my great grampa and lots of other people in our family. I only barely remember the house you had when you had a cat, but I’m sure I had fun there. something about a pool table maybe? it was always cool to hang out in the RV whenever you came to visit, too!

when you’re little you take grandparents for granted. you visit them, they visit you. they send you birthday cards every year without fail. that makes me wonder why i never sent you any birthday cards. as i’ve gotten a little older, i’ve gotten to know those things about you that showed you are a true fighter, right up until the end. maybe it’s the irish in you, but maybe it’s just you. you’re spirited. and I admire you for that. you lived a good and full life and left your mark. you sure raised my dad well! i love you dearly, and i'll see you on the other side.

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i've never really faced grief like this before. though i wouldn't call it grief because the word just doesn't resonate with me. at any rate, i'm somewhere between denial, social withdrawal, and depression. i'm trying to keep myself busy and occupied with things i enjoy, but as soon as i'm alone i feel empty and fall apart. it's hard being so far from my family and those friends i can cry all over... and i've not been getting many hugs because this is france. when i decide to have a crying session, nothing comes out. and then there's the needing to talk to someone but not knowing what to say. i just want to be held so can let it out on someone's empathy. the slightest bit of stress bewilders me, too. we'll get through this with time.

to my family, i love you guys a bunch. aunt connie and uncle kevin and your families too!

grampa, i wish i could be there. i'm really proud of you, being so faithful and true to your love, right up till the end.

love,

danielle

sometimes...

you have to let your body go a little hungry in order to pursue what your soul hungers for.

because there's not much else going on

clothing item review: the turtleneck

turtleneck and i have quite the history. throughout elementary school i wore turtlenecks with dresses, overalls, and pants. i had them in many colors, too. (aside: see how i use the oxford comma?) but somewhere around the time i got boobs i stopped wearing them. or maybe i just had a growth spurt. it was sixth grade by the time i started wanting to look cute, and therefore "borrowed" mom's earrings and started wearing a choker necklace that was really kinda cute. i even snuck eye shadow sometimes! so that's when turtleneck and i had a falling out.

that was then. now, i'm an aspiring sophisticated woman. i saw this turleneck sweater that is hunter green. first of all, i don't wear green. ever. secondly, it's a turtleneck. that's just not fashion. but it wanted me so badly, so i bought it. and today, i wore it because it was much too cold to have a bare neck.

pros:

my neck was doubly warm when i added a scarf.

it's versatile with my wardrobe as well as hair styles and accessories.

i look put together and feel more confident (i guess without fear of unsolicited cleavage shenanigans).

cons:

my neck was doubly warm when i wanted to take off my second scarf... and it was attached.

i don't have a long and/or beaded necklace or a skinny waist belt.

i couldn't reach in through the neck hole to adjust my bra straps.

i look 30.

verdict:

great for cold weather (perhaps only cold weather)

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in other news, yet still on the topic of clothing, gloves really make a difference in making you feel warmer. and i imagine a hat would have too, if i had bothered to wear one. i'm trying to acclimate by being just a little on the cold side almost all day, but i don't know how long that really takes! at least 2 weeks, i imagine.

les grèves (the strikes)

and now for the next chapter in my time here. you've probably heard of the french loving to strike lots. maybe you've even heard of them rioting (i know i did when i was in highschool). but this is what was happening not a mile from my home. the french are rioting. and i'm staying indoors with a cold.

as documented by the NY times.

and a video taken by a girl in our program, Elisa Penner. props to her for having the gall to actually be in the middle of it.

i would like to make the same distinction that french are making; there are "manifestants et casseurs", i.e. protesters and 'breakers'. basically this means that there are groups of people who come to the peaceful protest and make it violent. the interesting thing is that most of the "casseurs" happen to be teenagers (not angry twenty-something men). so much angst! and then the nice once-peaceful crowd gets tear-gassed because of the select few individuals that just wanted to break stuff.

because of all this, the university is closed. this was posted on the university website:

essentially it says "the administration has decided to keep the university closed and classes stopped until further notice. you will be told when classes start back up and the campuses reopen." i don't really like the idea of this! we just got started, i'm trying to make friends, and i only have a few lectures per week that i have to attend as it is! if i miss one, that's 2 weeks between classes. plus, we have vacation next week, so why take any off now?? *sigh* oh well...

UPDATE (22/10): it appears that the riots have settled down (just in time for everyone to leave on their fall break). the public transit system is working normally again, as far as i know. there a couple more days scheduled for protests and strikes, but considering i don't think they'll draw quite as many people, there will probably be way less violence if any. if nothing else, that means a week of normalcy!

here is what my travel alert says: "Unions will hold nationwide demonstrations in France Oct. 28 and Nov. 6 to protest government plans to reform pensions. Details and the impact of these events are still unclear, but previous actions have caused transportation and commercial disruptions. Some of the protests have become violent, especially as students have joined the protests. These incidents have been isolated and immediately mitigated by riot police."

my favorite part is the end... because what does "immediately" really mean in this case?? within 5 days? and "isolated"... meaning they closed off the Presqu'île and people living there were isolated to their homes till later in the evening. it's very interesting the way the police handle the situation, but at the same time, they only have so many options and this one seemed to be the least harmful/the best.

taking a dip in familiar waters + wedding!

(the goings on of my journey back to the states as recorded during said journey)

Amsterdam airport:

this was my first time doing a security check AT the gate instead of somewhere by the passport check. i guess they sell things in the airport that you could use to cause problems. I can't decide if I feel safer or just annoyed. they grabbed a middle eastern family and weren't letting them past questioning about their baggage. that's racial profiling. put them through the xray and get over it. they asked me when where and with whom I packed my bags and whether I'd left them unattended. I understand why but really? who just leaves their bags? who lets their new creepy friend pack their bags for them? I don't.

I didn't like the xray at all but at least it's transparent so I didn't feel claustrophobic. they frisked me and took my water which I bought in the airport in France. the lady was so kind to let me chug a little before confiscating it. so much for hydration when they don't give you shit on the plane, forgive my language. those whole 5 minutes got me pretty darn nervy. hopefully i won't be seated between so many babies. again. at least I have my book and practically fully charged iPod. and my sleep mask. that's important.

I also wish I could post this.

Minneapolis airport:
so coming back to America really is a culture shock. the bathrooms have stalls not rooms. the toilets have seats. AND toilet seat covers! people make small talk with you in public (they do it in France too but it's different). tax isn't included, oh yeah.... and we tip here. also. three size choices on coffee? okay I'll get a medium because I don't want just a shot....

holy Jesus! this thing is HUGE. but man does it taste good. I feel like a saucer-eyed foreigner discovering my own culture. I don't miss buying beer and alcohol yet but I'm sure it will come to me at some time. voice volume is normal again yay! I still have the impulse to speak in French to strangers. I already miss saying bonjour and au revoir/a bientot/bonne journée! and I miss la bise!! however I'm looking forward to all the hugs I'll be giving and getting.

I've been through security 3 times today. wow. that flight across the Atlantic was ridiculous cause it didn't get dark. and there were movies. and it felt like daytime. today is the longest day of my life: 34 hours long! they did give me water on the flight :) and food and coffee and food and coffee!

(and now i continue the story)

since i had some time to kill in the minneapolis airport before my flight to sacramento, i found my gate... and to my great joy, there was one row of seats that didn't have armrests, so i laid down for a snooze! i got probably 45 minutes of sleep plus half an hour of being horizontal, which was just enough to make me feel a little less insane.

and then i arrived in sacramento all hyped up on no sleep as well as some coffee. i used the (free!) internet to call my dad on skype and tell him i had landed. he picked me up and took me pretty much directly to in-n-out (i was hungry and it was open) and then to our hotel. unfortunately i was on france time (8am) despite it being after 11pm. i was quite the friggin chatterbox, let me tell you. i was also convinced that the sun was going to come up at any moment so i could start my day, but being convinced of a fact doesn't make it true. my dad really got a kick out of my spazziness. luckily, once i laid down on that 10-star bed (at least that's what it felt like to me) in the hotel i zonked within 5 minutes and slept the whole night.

the next morning, we grabbed the breakfast at the hotel -- it was bizarre having more than just a coffee and toast/a croissant for breakfast. i had a little of everything, even a muffin! and then we hit the road to monterey, where the rest of the family was. my task for the afternoon upon arrival was to make tiramisu as the dessert for the rehearsal dinner (which my fambam was making/hosting). i found a grocery store that actually had lady fingers and marscapone (phonebook ftw) and then managed to assemble the lovely dessert with great skill and finesse! and my was it successful -- everyone loved it! even i was surprised when i took that first bite. yum :)

the day of the wedding (remember, that's why i took this trip in the first place) was foggy and chilly. i woke up a little too early (i don't know why!) and had some coffee and toast to get started. i don't really remember what i did all morning, but i did eventually do my makeup and hair and then slip into my dress. i felt so pretty, i could only imagine how rachel was feeling while she was getting ready!!

even though i was the "flower girl" i didn't actually get to drop flowers (and i'm not so much a girl)... but i did get to roll out the red carpet, which i feel was even more of a symbolic thing. she walked down the aisle to "at last" which was nothing short of perfect. the ceremony was short and sweet, but with so many happy tears. for those who don't know, my dad opened the ceremony and rachel's dad officiated. one of the best parts was when phillip cried a tear while saying his vows, rachel wiped it away. in all honesty, i think rachel was the only one who didn't actually cry during the whole thing (but i can't be sure). they were both lovely and sooo happy!

they took pictures and then grabbed a coffee on their way to the reception (which made them a little later than people would have liked, but hey it was their day!). we ate the dinner and inevitably gave toasts. i gave a little speech, and i can't quite remember what i said, but i cried and got really really nervy but it was all washed away by the responses their eyes gave me. and then there was dancing and drinking and cake-cutting and lots of merriment.

and then we (my dad drove and my aunt and i followed) accompanied the newlyweds to their honeymoon, which was at a hotel in carmel (a ritzy area on the coast there). and then there were a few hours of free time to burn (it was after all only 9 when i got back) so i just hung out with my brothers and the groomsmen who were staying with us.

the morning brought packing up, cleaning, and dashing out of town to get me to the airport on time. was only JUST early enough (got there an hour before my boarding time). and then the journey back... the goodbyes weren't really that hard, but i wasn't looking forward to so many hours of travel. first i flew to dallas, which was fortunately only a 3 hour flight. i definitely had too much time in that airport though. i got sick of texas just being in their airport (and i've never even been to texas!). but the corn chowder was good. and a man was kind enough to let me use his cell phone to call my mom and leave a message before i headed to london.

now let me tell you, i planned ahead for that flight. i changed my seat so it was in the middle next to two empty ones (i don't know why there were so many on that plane though) hoping no one else would change to sit next to me. so i had a bed for the flight back to europe! it felt so good.

and they fed us lots -- dinner, snacks, water, drinks, breakfast. i did some sudoku and then i got probably 7 hours of sleep, so i was able to function the next day at the london airport, at least minimally. unfortunately, my 4-hour layover got a little longer because my flight was delayed (thanks to some strikes). i got to experience buying things in euros AND dollars and getting change in sterling. it was too bizarre. too bad i couldn't shop too much, being a poor student and all -- i mean not being able to afford designer anything like every other normal person out there! once in lyon, i had to pop through customs and i had a moment of panic because i don't have my residence permit, so i didn't know how they'd respond. i was happy when he glanced through, stamped and handed it back to me saying "bonsoir". win! and then i eventually got home (had to take the train-shuttle thing back) and crashed out... but i slept through my class the next morning, oopsie!

and now my great task has been getting back into the swing of things, but the strikes don't help!