22.4.10

long distance relationship...


my biggest challenge with France right now is le boyfriend. it's going to be emotionally difficult no matter what we do, but we have options. we've been together for over a year, so we made it through last summer just fine. the separation anxiety was eased by frequent phone calls, some video chats, and lots of IMing. when i'm in France, i won't have the luxuries of instant, constantly available communication. i'll have to choose when i want to use the internet and where -- i imagine skype will be difficult because people in France don't coop up in their rooms all the time (and many don't have at home internet), so i don't know about privacy. in fact, i don't know anything about how it's really going to be yet because things, people, and cultures all change, and much more rapidly these days. aside from the communication challenges, i'll be at home for the summer. 12 hours from him. and it could be just like last summer as far as staying together. but then i will leave from home and not get to hug him goodbye. how is this gonna work?
i know going to France is going to change me and how i see life. i want this time to be about me and my relationship with myself. i'm going to be 6000 miles away from home, family, friends, and him. in that situation, i can't hope to bring all of it with me; i have to set it down because it's not going to be my life raft. if anything, it'd be my bomb shelter. but i want to give myself the freedom to embrace what i want in myself and my life. can i do that while still being committed to my sweetie? i think so. would it be any easier if we set that down too? maybe, but who knows? i have time to decide where i want to be. i should not tie myself down yet. really, i want to live the young life where i'm not buying a home or making babies (FOUR HUNDRED BABIES). i want to go couch surfing and camping around while i travel. yes, i'll be that annoying tourist type that stays in hostels, but i do have enough connections to do more of the couch surfing. having a boyfriend (i really, really hate that term, "having a boyfriend" it's like he'd be an item to own or something) doesn't make that impossible, and neither would marriage, but is it something i should go alone? i need to be assertive with my desires and let him know that i want this for me. i'm going to cry anyway because i'm a crier and crying is how i let it all out. that's not so much to be afraid of. we'll be okay.

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